5.30.2006

Memorial Daze

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This was how I spent Memorial Day when I was in high school. In our summer uniforms, marching in some parade in some small town in southwest Michigan; I expect this was as much as many of my high school friends will ever think about the holiday.

I remember when we lived up there, going over to the cemetary to visit my grandfather's grave. He had been in the Korean conflict, and though he was not killed or wounded there, we still took time in the day to honor him. A lucky incident, really; when he was getting off the bus at the area where they were shipping new arrivals, a UN officer was asking each man who disembarked if they knew how to type. My grandpa was the first to tell him yes, so he spent 11 months in a UN tent, typing orders for soldiers and sailors from around the world, and never saw a day of combat. Give it up for nerds. My dad wasn't conceived until after grandpa came home.

My other grandfather, on my mom's side, served in the US Navy. I say served, but it really isn't a past tense- an inquiry a couple of years ago about his eligibility for diabetic treatment at the VA hospital in Indianapolis showed that he was not, in fact, a veteran. Dimly remembering some special papers signed, my grandpa directed his caseworker to the files in Cleveland, which shows him still, at 77, an enlisted man in the United States Navy. Apparently, he was some sort of legend in his area, underwater maneuvers and combat. He signed papers with Great Lakes Naval Academy that he would return at 24 hours notice if they ever have need of him. Those papers evidently still stand, though I doubt he would be as effective today, with his arthritis, bum shoulder and replaced hip.

On Sunday, we went down to my uncle's farm to celebrate the birthdays of one of my aunts and one of my uncles. My brother brought his guns along, as he occasionally does, however this time it was done with some purpose. We have talked about a lot of things since I have been home, and one of those things is his entry into law enforcement (he got his phone call about being a special deputy today) and my stance on pacifism. At first, I said I never wanted to touch a gun; I know I never hope to use one, even if I have occasion to do so. However, this little niggling part of me took hold in the back of my mind. I should know about them. As much as I abhor violence, I should know what's coming to me. How to avoid certain situations. How they work; how to keep them clean and how to jam them. The student in me piped up, "learn every skill you possibly can! You never know when you will need them!" So, Dan, Tan-Tan, Mom, Dave and I trudged down to the pond, Dan's .22 calibre Walther and a .22 calibre Golden Boy rifle in tow. And lots of bullets.

Target practice was sticks floating in the pond. Good grief, it was hot. And muggy. Indiana, home of the winding Wabash and corn and cattle.... and rainforest climate. We didn't even get any spring this year; it just went straight from 40 degrees to 90 in the space of 72 hours. Oh well. I digress. The pond. Yes, Dan explained to me very carefully the tube magazine and loading procedures, as well as the safety on the Golden Boy (my finger) and then he threw some sticks in, and demonstrated a couple of shots before handing me the rifle. It felt solid and heavy, and just about the right size for me. I was sweating like mad, still wearing my dress slacks and shoes from work earlier in the day, and an old t-shirt borrowed from my aunt with a "Shepherd Community" logo on it. This was the first time I had hoisted a gun. I pulled the butt of the rifle back into my shoulder, like Dan had showed me, and lined the bead up in the sights. I aimed for a nearby stick, and squeezed the trigger, shutting my eyes reflexively as I heard this discharge. I opened them to see the stick bobbing, and Dan saying with a pleased note in his voice, "You hit it, Bef." Ok, so I hit it.

Next, I wanted to aim out a little, and not shut my eyes. I don't know what I think I was doing, anyway- I wear glasses, and I had earplugs in, so I couldn't have protected anything any more than I already was. I pulled the rifle down, pumped the lever, and ejected the spent shell out into the grass, watching through the small hole in the side of the action as another bullet slid smoothly home. I pulled the gun back up, and aimed for a stick much further out in the pond, a good 25 yards from us, probably 6 inches long and bobbing gently in the water. Carefully setting the bead in the sights, I held the gun steady and pulled the trigger, keeping my eyes open and trying to absorb the recoil with my shoulder. The stick shot up in the air a good foot, flipping end over end as it came back down to the water with a splash. I gave a quick look over to my brother, who looked genuinely surprised, and grinned at me. He only said one word, which was "good," and I grinned back. I pulled the gun up again after chambering another bullet, aimed, fired, and watched the stick fly up like a fish for the second time that day.

After we shot some more, and were heading back up into the house, Dan told me he was surprised at my shooting. Honestly, I was too. He then looked at me seriously, and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, Bef, but you don't shoot like a girl. I mean, you don't look like a girl at all when you're shooting." I laughed. I've had that problem for a long time.

5.29.2006

the same things

Your Life: The Soundtrack
...of course, I wanted to see if I could do it all with OTR. of course I could.

Opening credits:
Nobody Number One - OHIO
Waking up:
Last Night- Besides
Average day:
If Nothing Else - Films For Radio
First date:
Hej (I do) - Besides
Falling in love:
Lifelong Fling - OHIO
Love scene:
Rhapsodie - Patience
Fight scene:
Murder - Besides
Breaking up:
Bluer - Drunkard's Prayer
Getting back together:
Suitcase - OHIO
Secret love:
I Want You To Be My Love - Drunkard's Prayer
Life's okay:
Go Down Easy - Good Dog, Bad Dog
Mental breakdown:
Within, Without - Besides
Driving:
Anything At All - OHIO
Learning a lesson:
Little Did I Know - Drunkard's Prayer
Deep thought:
Professional Daydreamer - OHIO
Flashback:
Lookin' Forward - Drunkard's Prayer
Partying:
Show Me - OHIO
Happy dance:
When You Say Love - Drunkard's Prayer
Regretting:
Changes Come - OHIO
Long night alone:
Who Will Guard The Door - Drunkard's Prayer
Death scene:
When I Go - Films For Radio
Closing credits:
Latter Days - Good Dog, Bad Dog

5.23.2006

yessir

my neck hurts.

Brian called tonight, but I was over at Bob & Eunice's, gesticulating and talking about bullshit. So I missed his call. But I was thinking about him today, before he called.

Let's talk about one quarter of an inch, which is approximately how little effort it would take for me to make an ass out of myself. Teetering on the brink can be fun for a little while, when you have that clammy clamster feeling in your stomach, and sort of a sweaty feeling on the bottom of your feet, and you feel tippy. Then it just becomes nerve wracking. Tip, tip, tipperoo.

I feel very McDavid about this post right now, perhaps it is because I miss her. And other things, too- but I almost miss this moment even though I'm already in it. I think I'm really starting to see everything that is around me. Not in an appreciative sort of way, but an understanding sort of way. And I know the difference, which is perhaps the greatest startlement of all.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Everything is continuing, I am, and God is, and redemption is a process. One doesn't get saved, one is always undergoing saving, redeeming, releasing what cannot be fully released, redeemed, or saved. Sisyphus. (sic)

5.17.2006

punched (in the throat)

Why d'ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well

-----------

wham, bam, thank you gentleman.
I can't stop listening to this song. Or feeling this way. It's like someone is tickling the bottom of my feet and has a dance pacemaker in my hips. I'm grinning like a loon. (do they grin? or is it goon?)
I'm grinning like something. Like me.

I'm going to go sleep and play the guitar all at once.

5.16.2006

moments before

a year (?) goes by and I realize something watches out for me.
how easy would it have been to say what I wanted, oh.. what I thought I wanted.
with the cat on my other side, and a fog in my brain.........

"Ice Cream."

The beauty of being a fatty- no lines get crossed. Everything can be laughed at.
And I will never tell you.
No, I will never tell you.

And now, really, you're
gone, gone
Gone.

Moments on trails, almost forgotten
Things almost said that could have possibly been true-
"I felt the same."
What does that mean, exactly?
You felt the same. Yes, you said that.
I don't trust the first feeling.
I trust mine.

It's as close as we would ever come, you and I.

A blessing in disguise.

5.14.2006

reception starts with "c"

Today my little bro graduated from Purdue. It was rainy, and cold, and reminded me of my own college commencement, two years ago to the day. Then, I was wearing a pretty summer dress, and strappy shoes, and nearly died of frostbite in the ceremony that lasted approximately 87.3 years. The only thing that saved me: the little hand towels, with "Huntington College Class of 2004" embroidered on them that I draped over my legs. Of course, we each only got one. I took Micheal Szapkiw's, and he wasn't too pleased, but I told him to shut up. Or give me his pants. He chose the former.

On the way up, my mama realized she forgot our tickets at home. Well, there was crying the rest of the way up, and once again, that sixth sense of how I deal with potentially disastrous situations took over. It's like I disassociate with whatever that's going on that I can't control, and get ridiculously calm. I just sat in the backseat, and murmured some stuff that I knew she wouldn't listen to anyway, and then read my book about Mormons some more. (Martha Beck's Leaving The Saints.) Nevertheless, we did get in without issue once we arrived on campus, and enjoyed a 2+ hour ceremony, with pomp & circumstance, videography, tassel shifting, and bad teeth. Ah, academics. I'll never quite get over wanting to stand up and yell "Fire!" in those situations.

Then some family came over (once we got back to town) and we ate some stuff, and then hooped it up in the rain over at the park. Good times. And I'm going to help my grandmother buy a new apple laptop this week, and hook her up with some wireless internet. Everything and everyone is getting so technological, I don't know what to do.

5.13.2006

another galaxy

sounds have been bombarding me. some moments it's all I can do to just stand there on the floor at work, one half of a headphone held up to my ear, DJ style, as I pulsate gently to the frequency. and such frequency... I haven't had this much new music since I was illegally downloading back in college. (sorry, music industry.)

New stuff I now have, via purchase or giving to me from the B&N music dept.

Josh Rouse- Subtitulo
Rhett Miller- The Believer
The Indigo Girls- All That We Let In
Maria Taylor- 11:11
Paul Simon- Surprise
KT Tunstall- Eye To The Telescope
Sia- Color The Small One
Syd Matters- Syd Matters
The Magic Numbers- The Magic Numbers
The Celtic Tenors- Remember Me
and this one opera CD I already gave away to my brother.

Plus a book about Mormons, and Dave already told me I could have the instore play Narnia DVD. Holy craps, people. I can't even absorp all this at once. I'm like a faulty sponge.

Speaking of, everyone should come visit me at work. There is nothing so nice as turning around and finding a Daniel Neil Olson staring unobtrusively at your DVD gondola. You should all do it. Stare at my gondolas, that is. It is nice to say words to those that hear them and know what you are saying. It is nice to have truth around you by the very fact that another person exists. It is nice to say true things out loud, and with smiles and hands and presences and presents. Sweaters and music and rain and joy can easily become tangled together.

Let no man tear asunder.

5.06.2006

more from the immigration station

so you all should head over here to see what my buddies (and I) have been discussing:
http://midwestmindset.blogspot.com/2006/05/new-topic-immigration.html#comments

and please join in!
Midwest Mindset is one of the finest blogs I've come across, and I was priveleged enough to be invited to join last year.
Come on by and speak your peace.

5.04.2006

immigration nation

and now for something completely different.

For now, I don't really want to rant about the immigration issue. That being said, I will say a couple of things.

Such as, isn't it interesting that this is such an issue at this time of year? Surfing around a little, I notice stuff up on search engines and news sites about Cinco de Mayo, and I think about celebrants, and parties, and if this year any of that will be different in the U.S. I remember last year in Denver- traffic was hellish. There were parties seemingly on every square inch of everywhere. I think every cop west of the mighty Mississip was in the greater metro area, and you couldn't turn west off of Federal. I needed to turn west off of Federal. Thank you.

Obviously, the demographics are slightly different in Indianapolis, but we have many hispanic neighbors here. There have been demonstrations in the city, sizeable ones, where the anglo population has been represented as well. There are so many aspects of hispanic culture integrated into our "American" (don't forget, they are American too, as are everyone that lives in either north or south America- we don't hold right to that term, only "U.S. Citizen") lives that at times it is difficult to see where one culture stops and another begins. That is the point after all, is it not, of this great melting pot? Where all races are as one, and no man is above the law of the land (or below it)? Ha. Equality is a concept we will never perfectly grasp. However, I will say this- let us extend hospitality. Let us be good neighbors. Let us express gratitude, and tell the truth. Let us be a community, each in our own home, with our own neighborhood, and outward across the nation. The immigration nation.

5.02.2006

not alone (find peace)

I must say, I'm flabbergasted.


not alone (find peace)

Emily's doing fine
She writes all the time
She talks of war and death and land mines
Someone's life has got to be the life on the line

Joseph called the other day
He said he's single, that's how it's gonna stay
Sounds like he's learning how to pray
Someone's got to be the someone that saves the day

When you don't think you can put another step down on the road
Just remember that you have a place you can call home
You're not alone

Chip sat down in the sand
He reached out and took my hand
He said, "I'm in love with a man"
And I said, I said, "I understand."
.........I understand.

Jeff called me crying
Looks like his marriage is dying
What with all the fights and the lying
I'm surprised they're even trying

find peace
find peace
find peace

And when you don't think you can put another step down on the road
Just remember that you have a place you can call home
You're not alone

Well the daylight's almost gone
The night, she is creepin' on
I just sit here and sing my song
And hope we all find
And hope we all find
peace tonight

(c) 2006 liza swart

a heart made of dust

That was interesting. I daresay, unexpected. Even enjoyable.




a heart made of dust


Can you see me standing here
Beneath all these unshed tears
With my hopes and with my fears yeah
And a heart made of dust

Would you care if I go
If you did, would I ever know
Or has this all just been for show
Well we do what we do if we must

And I’ll keep on loving you
It’s just what I do
It’s just what I do

Driving his truck in the night
I smoke a pack, it just feels right
Stop signs just out of sight
Everyone else is asleep

I hear your voice on the stair
My bed is full of your hair
Put on your old shirt to wear
When I am asleep

And I’ll keep on loving you
It’s just what I do
It’s just what I do

Oh baby, you know
All I wanted you’ll never need
All my pictures you’ll never see
All this agony inside of me
And a heart made of dust
And a heart made of dust
And a heart made of dust

(c) 2006 liza swart