death be not proud

The following is actually from my mentor, John Hay, Jr.'s blog, bikehiker.
On an evening when I have been confronted with my own inner push against the pull, I have found it illuminating. Never can I be the tsubo, the stillness, the absence, the jar, the feminine.... there is always this friction within me that my heart doles out, seemingly of its own accord. This upward thrust of my spirit, when I try to meditate on my bed throughout the watches of the night. In just four hours now I'll need to be up, getting ready for another day in which to sling books, grimacing as my upper ribs audibly snap in and out with each monstrous pile moved. In the midst of my instability, stability exists. In the midst of my chaos, peace resides. Though I cannot grasp it, though I cannot understand it, it is still immovable, invisible, immortal- God, only wise.
This is the solid rock on which I stand. I am the sand, and I am sinking- even as Peter sank. Jesus knew he would, but bade him come out anyway. This is the most miraculous part of the story.

What do I look for tonight? The ears to hear, and the presence of mind to put my leg over the side of the boat, even though it may lead to my ruin. For my saviour calls to me.

(what follows is all John Hay, Jr.'s words; may the peace I felt upon reading them be also with you.)


FROM RESENTMENT TO GRATITUDE

ANONYMOUS E-MAILS & POSTS. For nearly two years, I have occasionally received quite hateful e-mail and blog posts from an anonymous source (yes, they continue unabated). The writer reads my bikehiker blog and is familiar with West Morris Street church. The writer sorely twists my words and intended meanings and pens caustic, intimidating little diatribes. I have not quite figured out who it is. But this person’s identity does not matter to me so much as the level of resentment and anger he or she expresses. If I could, I would drain away their resentment and anger, for I am afraid it will ultimately consume them.

GOD HELP ME. Henri Nouwen offers the following reflection for all who minister to others in Christ's name. I pray: God, help me continue to try to respond in a healing, compassionate way to any who live with resentment, or who direct their resentment at me:

TWO WORDS FOR HEALING MINISTRY. "Healing ministry can be expressed in two words: gratitude and compassion." Healing happens often by leading people to gratitude, for the world is full of resentment. What is resentment? Cold anger. 'I'm angry at him. I'm angry at this. This is not the way I want it.' Gradually, there are more and more things I am negative about, and soon I become a resentful person."

RESPONDING TO LOSS. "Resentment makes you cling to your failures or disappointments and complain about the losses in your life. Our life is full of losses— losses of dreams and losses of friends and losses of family and losses of hopes. There is always the lurking danger we will respond to these incredible pains in resentment. Resentment gives us a hardened heart."

PAINS LEADING TO JOY. "Jesus calls us to gratitude. He calls to us, 'You foolish people. Didn't you know that the Son of Man--that you, that we--have to suffer and thus enter into the glory? Didn't you know that these pains were labor pains that lead you to the joy? Didn't you know that all we are experiencing as losses are gains in God's eyes? Those who lose their lives will gain it. And if the grain doesn't die, it stays a small grain; but if it dies, then it will be fruitful.'"

CAN WE BE GRATEFUL? "Can you be grateful for everything that has happened in your life—not just the good things but for all that brought you to today? It was the pain of a Son that created a family of people known as Christians. That's the mystery of God."

LETTING RESENTMENT GO. "Our ministry is to help people to gradually let go of the resentment, to discover that right in the middle of pain there is a blessing. Right in the middle of your tears—that's where the dance starts and joy is first felt. "

NOT SEPARATED. "In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the kingdom."

JESUS’ PRESENCE IN OUR WEAKNESS. "Jesus says, 'Cry over your pains, and you will discover that I'm right there in your tears, and you will be grateful for my presence in your weakness.' Ministry means to help people become grateful for life even with pain. That gratitude can send into the world precisely to the places where people are in pain. The minister, the disciple of Jesus, goes where there is pain not because he is a masochist or she is a sadist, but because God is hidden in the pain."